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Kittis

June 2005 - February 2020

21 February 2020 💖

we lie on the grass, we don’t know the date,
we don’t know the time – there’s no need to check.
a soul split in two –
is just me and my dying cat.

the heaviness of disease, of my burning tears
and the first week of july, when we met
lies on her stripy back.
a friend who never accused of weakness,
a friend who never reminded how much I owe.
no human so kind, no creature as pure as you,
cause to be a true, vulnerable animal
is the most human thing to do.

I missed you each time you’ve been out
I feel it – this time it will grow enormously.
I know, you like sleeping outside
a flashlight I hold to pet you at night,
it started to flicker, just recently.

you collected dew from the first strands of grass
you loved cheese – the reason I called you a mouse
you loved rice, I’ve put one rice grain,
(it keeps my street and name)
under your skin, so you could find me again.

for now I just pet your fur, adjusting the eyes
to remember each flicker of light and dark in it,
in your fur I see meadows of autumn grass, the wheat,
a soft send in the reeds, a birdsong, a warm wind –
and I promise I’ll keep all these visions alive,
like a kid.

for now I’m just lying here, syncing our hearts
for now I don’t know of what they’ll call
a “denial stage”, but it’s a forever denial
of being like them, and an aspiration
to be at least a fraction of what you are.

for now please accept me, startled by honesty.
how dare I to question your existence tomorrow,
knowing everything and nothing, so close and far,
knowing only one dimension of the eternity,
screaming on mute, before grounding down.

and I know I’ll go blind from tears, then numb –
from being struck by the lightning of sorrow.
is it even sorrow – it’s something surreal, alive
I’ll tame it and grow it until we will merge into one:
the art, the forgiveness, the ark, the beehive.

you said “look I’m gone, but the whole world’s still mine”.
I’m not scared to go myself anymore, when the time comes.
I’ve chosen to feel the whole shamelessness, rawness of pain –
I bribed and I fooled it so it wouldn’t touch you no more.
you lived the whole life to find me, now I’ll live the whole mine
just to meet you again, nose to nose, eyes to eyes.

remember the summer nights, the moon, the chestnut tree,
fog beads on your fur, your voice, setting my laughter free
we lie on the grass, we don’t know what’s the time yet
a soul split in two – forever dying, forever alive,
sat there till sun rolled over, hugging, feeding from hand

me and my dying cat.

CPC provide pet owners with a dignified pet cremation service and a range of pet memorials to create lasting tributes.